How does it work?
"There’s an ancient saying that’s profoundly applicable to couple’s therapy: the laws of nature are like a miller’s wheel—they’ll grind you to powder, unless you learn to be the miller." Terry Real
One hears all the time about how relationship will “push your buttons,” but rarely is the nature of those buttons described. What are they?
Implicit in this work is helping you to understand, not just what happens between the two of you, but what happens inside of you (your buttons and knee-jerk reactions) and then how that affects what happens between the two of you. Sometimes you'll hear people say 'that's just who I am", but your character is not something that’s hard-wired into you. Rather, it can be thought of as what you’ve learnt about relationships and connection from your role models... The people who taught you about relationships.
So to increase relationality and closeness — ie connectedness to ourselves and others — is the very foundation of character transformation. Increasing connection in your relationship changes your character.
To help you in this way of relating, the goal is to show you how to
- Go for what you want collaboratively (rather than controlling)
- Speak to repair the relationship (rather than being self-righteous)
- Respond with generosity (rather than retaliation or punishment)
- Lead with empathy (rather than harshness)
- Cherish each other (rather than criticise and belittle)
The first step (there’s a few) is remembering love, or if that’s too far, try friendliness. This doesn’t mean it’s going to be gushy love all the time. Hardly likely right! But we can begin to commit to what we call “full-respect living,” neither dishing out nor passively tolerating disrespectful words or behaviours. With respect in both directions, we move beyond knee-jerk reactions. It’s hard to remember love & respect and hurt the other person simultaneously.
To live relationally, to live in a fulfilling & happy relationship, you have to understand what works and what doesn't. Sometimes you have to give up being right, get over yourself and choose relationship instead.
Relational living means that you can stand up for yourself, you can be assertive and you can be firm. But there is no reason to do any of that in a way that is disrespectful or harmful to the other person you are speaking to. Also, relational living means that you do not allow yourself to be on the receiving end of disrespectful treatment and do nothing about it. Living relationally is a daily practice of respecting yourself and others at the same time. As we try it out and learn, it's like living with an awareness of us, of moving from 'me' consciousness to 'we'. It's about a care and respect for ourselves and others that leads to and sustains a healthy connection and closeness.
'It always means a lot to me to get warm feedback … and I love giving it as well. Thank you for all the effort and thought that you put into our counselling sessions. I am so grateful. I have been seeing counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrists for decades, and I consider you to be one of the most perceptive, insightful, wise and skilled therapists I have had the pleasure of meeting. I will continue to spread the word whenever I can! We are both for all that you have taught us, and the subsequent ‘doors’ that are opening." Jane and Peter
After the Honeymoon....
After the “honeymoon phase”, some call it the 'Love without Knowledge' phase of a relationship, we start to see our partner’s cracks and flaws. The things we thought could be worked with or overlooked, can become irritating or frustrating. Their imperfections can get under our skin. We may move into the varying degrees of the 'Knowledge without Love' phase.
- The good news? In this phase, you and your partner are feeling more comfortable with each other and are letting some of your let's say, 'less than perfect' sides show.
- The bad news? These other sides of our personality can lead to conflicts, arguments and a feeling of despair about how to get through it. And that never feels good.
Here’s the thing: all of this is totally normal. All relationships are constantly moving between harmony, disharmony, and repair.
The skill, the art in relationship is to move into the 'Love with knowledge' phase.
What will you learn from these sessions?
- You and your partner will learn how to foster respect, affection, and closeness in your relationship.
- You will build and share a deeper connection with each other by learning the practice of self-esteem and self-respect.
- You'll learn about healthy boundaries that not only protect you and your partner, but also bring you closer together.
- You’ll learn how to resolve conflict, how to break through conflicted deadlocks and how to then strengthen and maintain the gains in your relationship.
- In a relationship, there are always two perspectives, yours and mine. Sometimes they are aligned, sometimes different. It makes sense then, that with difference there might be friction or disagreements, and a normal resistance to change but at worst it becomes a “my way or the highway” mentality.
- You'll learn how to bring different points of view together to create a shared respectful experience of life and love.
- In the heat of disagreements you'll learn that it's good to remember, the person you're dealing with is someone you love and share a home with. It's good to make that home a nice place to be.
- You'll learn how to ask for what you want, with love.
- You'll learn how to give what your partner most wants without losing self-respect. In other words to deal with what they are complaining about!
An Approach that Works
I’m here to give you tools that I’m confident will help you transform your life, individually and in your relationship.
The sessions are designed to
- Help you see what your unhealthy patterns of relationship are and the impact on each other
- Help you to stop the harmful patterns of how you relate to each other by offering alternatives that actually work and are much more effective.
- Create and practice habits and skills of connection that support happiness, resilience, fun, emotional safety and healthy self-esteem.
- Once we get over our grumpy and harsh ways of speaking to each other, these new ways of being together can be fun and energising. Sometimes we've been so used to defending ourselves that the fun has gone out of life and a big cloud has covered the sunshine.
New skills need to be learned and for a start they can seem to flow against the grain, to be 'unnatural' or contrived. But let me ask you, how is what you're doing now working for you? Once the new skills are learned, they provide you and your partner with a structure for understanding and connection that over time you trust because it supports emotional safety. Not the sort of safety that never takes a risk and is quite frankly boring, but the safety that enables you both to repair and come back to a home-base connection when there's been a rupture in the relationship. What was unnatural becomes natural because it feels good to connect and naturally we move in that direction when it's emotionally safe.
My goal is not only for you to use me to get better tools and skills to transform your relationship, but to educate you and integrate this in such a way that you no longer need me. My role is as a coach and a fellow traveller in relationship himself, not an expert who never makes mistakes, (I wish!). The change happens by equipping you to live a relational life and move from a sense of 'me' consciousness, to 'we' consciousness. I've done it, so I know it works.
Who is this for?
This work is designed for ALL couples in a committed relationship regardless of sexual preference. You do not need to be married to benefit. If you have a strong relationship, this work will provide you with insights and tools to foster further closeness, friendship, and trust. If your relationship is rocky, this work will provide you with a greater understanding of your relationship and a road map for repair.
Timing is an essential element in couples therapy. Unfortunately, most couples wait way too long to reach out for help repairing their relationship. One researcher found that couples go through an average of six years being unhappy before getting help. Think about this statistic for a few minutes. Couples have six years to build up resentment before they begin the important work of learning to resolve differences in effective ways.
The overall message is to invest in your relationship as early as possible to reap the rewards of relational harmony.
When do we need help?
A common question is when do we need to seek help? Simply, it's this: when you can't work it out on your own, you need help. Acknowledging that there's a problem and asking for help is the first step towards a different life.
How to meet up for Sessions?
Face to Face sessions - Fairfield, Victoria (the address will be provided when you book)
or
Online - Details will be sent once you have booked.
